Well… nothing good lasts forever.
I guess I can start with the “thanks” part:
I want to take time to thank Darkevil.
This guy, right here, is the sole reason I’m even able to be here, making this post. After he found my videos of me messing around in certain HL2 maps with ABH, he PMd me on YouTube asking if I wanted to join in on the “HL2 Re-Run” that was taking place on "SourceRuns.org.” I did, and we immediately started collaborating on the epic “Phase 1 of DWaHMoV.” This collaboration is what started my involvement with the community, working on completing Phase 1, and eventually onto competing for segments for Phase 2. So thank you again, Darkevil, for introducing me to this wonderful experience. <3
Now, let’s talk about me and my Twitch stream, shall we? Seems to be a hot topic at this point.
It all started off so innocent, with DWaHMoV segments. I started streaming just to do those, because sometimes people (the other runners) were bored and wanted to watch me do them. I also liked highlighting when I actually got the segment that we would end up using for the run. It was fun. The community, SourceRuns, back when I joined it, was a niche group formed from the remnants of the run that got me into speedrunning. It was fun. Everything about it appealed to me and my passion for going fast in a video game. It was fun.
I didn’t join SourceRuns just to do DWaHMoV, publish the final product, and become “internet famoose.” I just did a shit ton of segments because I had free time, and because I loved the idea of beating HL2 as fast as possible, and with the new engine having ABH, which was crazy fast, I just wanted to be a part of something special.
Of course, after the run was finished, I started to do RTA runs. Helping out with route-finding, we brought the original 2:30 WR (<3 you Tomsk) all the way down to 2:10, then eventually sub-2, then eventually… you get the point. Through these times, I had plenty of rivalry, from Sully and Tomsk and Colfra, to OVC (may he rest in sweet, solemn peace). Jukspa also made me more competitive, even for when the run was sub-1:40 and had far fewer runners.
I essentially paved the path from sub-1:40 to sub-1:30. That’s the only purposefully egotistical thing about this post, I promise. I went to two GDQs, represented the team as best as I could, and showed off a passion that I had grown over the last few years. It was fun. I got a Twitch partnership (literally from a silly dare from Lo1ts to try to apply for it, <3 you Lo1ts btw) and started to get money for my simple pastime hobby. It was fun.
However, after AGDQ 2015, things started to feel off. I returned to HL2 after taking my break for EP2, and pushed myself lower and lower with my PB/WR to the point where I started to get a little too into what I was doing. It wasn’t fun anymore, it was about getting an arbitrary goal and moving on to something else for the time being. This arbitrary goal, along with personal issues since literally HOURS before my run at AGDQ, brought me down, made me depressed and not want to stream. I thankfully realized I was taking streaming too seriously, focused on school and real life, and it passed.
When I had more free time (summer break) to try again for this goal, the depressing feelings started coming back. I would start saying things I didn’t quite mean to, like the jab about SourceRuns and the future of it, or quips about how fucking awful I was, how I wanted somebody to murder me because the game just wouldn’t finish the job, etc. Some days I didn’t even want to stream, so I didn’t. I watched other streams, played other games, and actually had fun again, for doing something else for a change.
But there were also times that, upon reading the SourceRuns Skype chat, I just didn’t feel like I was part of a community anymore. I felt like I was spectating a discussion that had no opening for a contribution from me, and that I was only now the “poster boy” of SourceRuns.
So I decided that, after getting my arbitrary goal, I would take a break from it all; from the group, from running the game, from doing segments. I would go and do other things, and be happy for a change.
And so far, I actually am. Sure, I don’t have 600 viewers watching me do that “boring shit” like code Botnak/Momentum Mod, or casually play through games. Sure, I don’t have epic raids anymore. But I don’t care. I actually can’t care. Sure, I get less money, sure, I get less popularity, but I never did Twitch streams for either of those. When I got my partnership, I promised to keep my stream as just a hobby, not a career. And I’m really glad I kept that promise.
So anyways, my break I’m taking from running the game is temporary, you do know that, right? I was going to come back around April 2016 and try to get back into the swing of things. But of course, my break started during the epic “save deletion discussion,” one that I casted my vote in multiple times (and also literally, in that poll).
I have a stance on it, and it may not be the majority’s vote, but when I say “run the game,” you do know what I’m implying, right? Coming from the guy that’s spent more than two years working on segments, and more than two years doing RTA runs, it really surprises me that people that don’t have anything to do with the game (or SPEEDRUNNING the game) want to declare rules for it!
We used to make fun of those people! The comments on Kotaku, YouTube, random “gaming journalism” posts, the morons that think they knew what they could define “a LEGIT WR, not a cheatrun WR!” I’m just really surprised that it’s changed, and the weird, almost outlandish backlash I get for making my stance just disgusts me even further.
So now, after Jared pretty much gave me the boot (based on two reasons I tried my best to explain above) I guess it’s time for me to say my farewells.